


Things Jamison Fawkes is not allowed to do.

by KiwiLombax15



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Humour
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-31
Updated: 2016-08-31
Packaged: 2018-08-12 06:41:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7924561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KiwiLombax15/pseuds/KiwiLombax15
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>By order of Winston. Co-signed by Soldier 76 and Security Chief Amari.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Things Jamison Fawkes is not allowed to do.

**Author's Note:**

> (Based on http://skippyslist.com/list/ )
> 
> Want more like this? Support the writer here! https://ko-fi.com/fruitbird

Things Jamison Fawkes is not allowed to do.

By order of Winston. Co-signed by Soldier 76 and Captain Amari.

1.My proper Overwatch title is “Explosives Specialist Fawkes” not “Princess”.

2.Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic.

3.Not allowed to challenge anyone’s disbelief of black magic by asking for hair.

4.Not allowed to add “In accordance with the prophesy” to the end of answers I give to a question an Overwatch agent asks me.

5.Not allowed to add pictures of Overwatch agents I don’t like to war criminal posters.

6.Not allowed to join any militia.

7.Not allowed to form any militia.

8.God may not contradict any of my orders.

9.May no longer perform my now (in)famous “Barbie Girl Dance” while on duty.

10.Must never ask anyone who outranks me if they’ve been smoking crack.

11.Don’t take the batteries out of the other agents alarm clocks (Even if they do hit snooze about forty times).

12.Regarding above, Flash bangs are not an acceptable form of alarm.

13.Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions.

14.Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post.

15.Adding “Then he rolled over and went back to sleep.” when Reaper says “Death comes”, while funny, is ill advised.

16.Not allowed to chew gum at briefings, unless I brought enough for everybody.

17.(Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at briefings even if I *did* bring enough for everybody.

18.Our medic is called “Dr Zeigler”, not “Dr. Feelgood”.

19.Our supply Coordinator is Winston, not “Sugar Daddy”.

20.Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once.

21.I do not have super-powers.

22.Camouflage body paint is not a uniform.

23.I am not authorized to fire my commanders.

24.Not allowed to trade Overwatch equipment for “magic beans”.

25.An order to “Make my boot black and shiny” does not involve electrical tape.

26.The proper response to a lawful order is not “Why?”

27.It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to Specialist Fawkes.

28.I am not authorized to prescribe any form of medication. (Note: Jamison what the hell. Signed, Dr Zeigler.)

29.I am neither the king nor queen of cheese.

30.Must not use Overwatch vehicles to “Squish” things.

31.May not challenge anyone in my chain of command to the “field of honor”.

32.If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.

33.Must not refer to Dr Zeigler as “Mum”.

34.Must not refer to Soldier 76 as “Dad”.

35.I am not in need of a more suitable host body.

36.A smiley face is not used to mark a minefield

37.Claymore mines are not filled with yummy lollies, and it is wrong to tell new agents that they are.

38.I cannot arrest children for being rude.

39.A briefing is probably not the best place to unveil my newest off color joke.

40.Radioactive material should not be stored in the barracks.

41.Two drink limit does not mean first and last.

42.Two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drinks.

43.Two drink limit does not mean the drinks can be as large as I like.

44.There is absolutely no need to emulate the people from “Full Monty” every time I hear the song “Hot Stuff”.

45.No dancing in Torbjorns turrets. This especially applies in conjunction with rule #44. 

46.“I’m drunk” is a bad answer to any question posed by my commander.

47.The loudspeaker system is not a forum to voice my ideas.

48.Should not show up at the front gate wearing part of a military uniform, messily drunk.

49.Even if Mccree did it. 

50.I should not drink three bottles of blue food coloring before a urine test.

51.Nor should I drink three bottles of red food coloring, and scream during the same. (Note: Do that again and next time you get shot I’m leaving you there. Dr Zeigler.)

52.The proper way to report to my Commander is “Specialist Fawkes, reporting as ordered, Sir” not “You can’t prove a thing!”

53.We usually can.

54.No part of the overwatch uniform is edible.

55.Take that hat off.

56.No, the pants are not optional.

57.Not allowed to “defect” to Talon during training missions.

58.I am not allowed to create new levels of security clearance.

59.When operating an overwatch vehicle I may *not* attempt something “I saw in a cartoon”.

60.Do not dare Hana to eat bugs. She will always do it. (What, and lose a bet? Hana.)

61.The proper response to a briefing is not “That’s what you think”.

62.I am not allowed to give tattoos.

63.Despite the confusing similarity in the names, the “Safety Dance” and the “Safety Briefing” are never to be combined.

64.I will not put chocolate spread labels on jars of Vegemite and leave them in the pantry. 

65.I will not put bumper stickers on Bastion.

66.Do not attach googly eyes to Zenyattas sensors when he is meditating.

67.When Pharah is performing her ult, do not play “it’s raining men” over the intercom.

68.Do not switch out Lucios speed boost music for “Men at work: Down under.”

69.Behave.

70.Please, for the love of god, behave.


End file.
